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Unfortunately for him, he's never made a cup of tea before in his life due to being a lazy cunt.
So he called in the rest of Team Marybone to lend a hand!
We know how to make tea. We've seen it done on shite TV programs all the time. Of course we were pissed at the time and don't really remember much, but they seem to just plop a load of ingredients into a pot, then 30mins later something tasty looking comes out.
Can't be hard, can it?
First up we need the ingredients for our tea:
Ingredients:
Clipper tea with "Ginkgoo"
Pure peppermint tea
Coffee
Some regular tea
Coke
First up we put all these nice ingredients into a cup. Some of them came with extra packaging that had holes in it for some reason, so we ripped them open and threw the packaging in the bin.
Of course, we didn't add the coke just yet, that would just be silly. We have to heat it first, cold tea is just shit.
Hmm, it's not quite looking like tea right now. In fact, I think it's safe to say it's all going Hoff...
But not to worry, Tea always looks shite when there's no liquid in it, so we'd better boil that coke:
Once the Coke was boiled, we just had to pour it into the cup:
Shit! We forgot the milk! You can't have black tea, that's just silly....
And this we have....
MMMMMMMMMmmmmm! A nice cup of tea!
All it needs is stirring...
Now that's a quality cup of tea!
Time to give it a test.
Barry leans in to give it a whiff.
You'd think he'd never seen a cup of tea before...
For some reason, his hand was trembling as he held the cup, ready for a drink. For fuck's sake, Barry, you're wasting good tea!
He finally decides to give it a swig!
We've no idea why he looks like he's about to cry, we reckon he had something stuck in his eye.
"It's um.....it's interesting..." - Barry
As you can see, there were layers to our tea.
Of course, tea wasn't made for drinking. Hell no, it was made for Dunking!
And now lets give it a taste:
At this point, Barry starting coughing and spluttering with his head held over the bin. We reckon he got a bad biscuit. Fuck you tesco, with your crap cheap alternatives and poisonous food!
We decided it might be easier on Barry if we filtered our tea for extra crispness or something. At least, that's what beer ads on TV tell us.
But by this time, the tea had sort of turned into a solid lump at the bottom of the cup:
That's what you get for not drinking your tea fast enough, Barry, you complete shite!
January 19 2006, 04:25:53 UTC 6 years ago
Your such a fool. One question, why godammit!
January 19 2006, 14:36:49 UTC 6 years ago
January 19 2006, 19:15:36 UTC 6 years ago
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January 20 2006, 15:13:43 UTC 6 years ago
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January 20 2006, 15:43:32 UTC 6 years ago
I really hate people who write that.
Nice project though, can you send me some?
You're in the b3ta newsletter by the way, let's hope these pictures aren't on photobucket.
Anonymous
January 20 2006, 15:53:13 UTC 6 years ago
What i want
to know is what is that Hoff flyer all about? Can we have a better view of it please?6 years ago
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Anonymous
January 20 2006, 16:00:51 UTC 6 years ago
Hoff doll?
MMMMmmm, lovely cup o tea. But hark, what is in the Hoff box? Do tellJanuary 24 2006, 01:16:50 UTC 6 years ago
Re: Hoff doll?
Hoff? Box? No Boxes here, just a flyer from some 80's bar!Anonymous
January 20 2006, 16:21:25 UTC 6 years ago
Cup of Tea
What would have been wrong with just tea in the Tea Ball withoutripping the package open. Would have been less messy. But if you
like those flavors you added, then by all means add them. I'm a
purist myself, I hate to ruin the flavor of the tea. It's just
like someone putting salt in everything before they even taste it.
Just An Old Fart
Memphis, Tennessee
Elvis has definitely left the building
January 20 2006, 16:34:29 UTC 6 years ago
Re: Cup of Tea
After the smell of that tea i wouldnt have been surprised if he left the country! Barry, o' Barry!Anonymous
6 years ago
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January 20 2006, 17:53:27 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
January 20 2006, 21:57:53 UTC 6 years ago
whatever
it's only cos you don't know how to make tea. Everyknows Americans can't think properly, i mean, who puts coke in tea? This whole thing is stupid, and i'd have known it was done by Americans without any text.6 years ago
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January 20 2006, 17:59:22 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
January 20 2006, 19:35:30 UTC 6 years ago
Yeah?
Tell that to Vinnie Jones. He'll rip your balls off and eat them on his kebab.6 years ago
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January 20 2006, 19:33:19 UTC 6 years ago
ps. you're on b3ta :)
Anonymous
January 20 2006, 22:39:53 UTC 6 years ago
That was hysterical
You're right, though: definitely forgot the sugar. What's ghastly tea without far too much sugar, eh?January 20 2006, 20:40:08 UTC 6 years ago
I shall return on a regular basis to stalk and check for updates.
January 20 2006, 20:43:21 UTC 6 years ago
January 20 2006, 20:50:07 UTC 6 years ago
Fact.
Anonymous
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January 20 2006, 22:19:45 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
January 21 2006, 02:05:13 UTC 6 years ago
Might have to try it sometime.
January 21 2006, 03:45:45 UTC 6 years ago
Congrats on the Newsletter! Even got the top slot ~_*
January 21 2006, 09:37:09 UTC 6 years ago
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January 21 2006, 17:31:26 UTC 6 years ago
Anonymous
January 21 2006, 17:47:15 UTC 6 years ago
1. Boil water (not coke, water, H20, the clear stuff that comes out of the faucet at the kitchen sink)
2. Place a tea bag in a tea pot (a tea bag is the little white pouch with tiny holes in it that ya'll found that some of the tea came in). Make sure the tea bag is intact when it is placed in the tea pot and not ripped. If you are making tea for more than one person, add one extra tea bag per person. [If you add more than one tea bag, be sure that they are all of the same type of tea. In fact, just to be on the safe side, make sure the tea bags come from the same exact box.]
3. Pour the boiling hot water INTO the tea pot (not into the cup, not outside the tea pot, but INTO the tea pot, where the tea bags have been placed).
4. Put the lid on the tea pot.
5. Let the tea pot with the tea bags and hot water sit for about 5 minutes.
6. You now have a tea pot full of freshly brewed tea. Pour the tea from the tea pot into tea cups or mugs.
7. taste the tea.
8. after tasting the tea, decide if you want to add sugar, honey, or cream to your tea (only add a little bit at a time and only add one thing at a time, since ya'll have no idea what you're doing).
9. If ya'll decide to make any changes to these instructions, consult someone who has successfully made tea before carrying them out.
January 21 2006, 18:46:49 UTC 6 years ago
Milk, not cream
And why use a teapot when a kettle is so much easier? Anyway, it was clearly a lovely cup of tea, what ruined it was the long life milk that was used. Tastes like cream. Nasty cream.Anonymous
6 years ago
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January 21 2006, 20:23:25 UTC 6 years ago
Love the story and your hair..but u can keep the tea
Anonymous
January 22 2006, 08:40:14 UTC 6 years ago
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January 22 2006, 08:53:24 UTC 6 years ago
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January 22 2006, 21:27:07 UTC 6 years ago
We'd like to visit your food preeration area please
Health & Safety Inspectorate Notice.Infringement of Public Safety:
i) Kitchen area infection area
ii) new life forms spotted evolving near cooker
iii) hair contains life forms infectious to other life forms
iV) Time-warp suspected; ie: 70s students with long hair in 2006.
Infectous material known to cause ganglia synapse palsy in the upper neuro physiology, evident by the subjects ability to read English on the contaminated food packets evident; but a complete ducks arse about making a cup of fucking Tea. Tea was the corner stone of the British empire and all you former colonists in every corner of the planet have been placed their by the British. You un-grateful bastards can't even make a cup of Tea to celebrate your roots.
Jezus H Christ !
Prepare for an arse kicking - stoodence!
January 26 2006, 12:19:11 UTC 6 years ago
How to make a cup of tea
(this was originally posted in my diary, not hosted on LiveJournal. I've reposted it here because it seemed appropriate, hope that's ok).--
Cougar's Guide To Things Everyone Should Know.
(The first in an occasional series).
How to make a cup of tea
========================
This is aimed at all the coffee drinkers, drinks machine manufacturers, cafe staff, and all the people who have downright *lied* to me by replying "either" when I've asked "which do you make best, tea or coffee?" You know who you are, barstewards.
I only started drinking coffee in the first place because the rest of the western world proved to be incapable of making good tea. Because I'm unconditionally grateful to them for my enforced coffee discovery, this is my gift back to those people.
Making good tea is simple, so long as you avoid a few pitfalls.
Your PGs, Typhoos and Tetleys of this world will all make a reasonable cuppa so choice is largely personal preference, but loose leaf tea is *hugely* superior to teabags. Cheaper, too. "Specialty" teas make a very different drink to the regular brands, so are beyond the scope of this document.
Forget any cobblers you've been told about putting milk in first, we're not using teapots here or making Earl Gray.
1) Stick the kettle on.
2) Get a reasonably sized mug. "teacups" are for grandmothers and motorway service stations.
3) Add the tea to the mug. If using leaf tea, a lightly rounded teaspoonful is about right. Add sugar at this point if you're weird like that. (Adding sugar after the milk goes in means that the sugar often doesn't dissolve properly)
4) Add boiling water to the mug. Pitfall number one, the water *must* be right off the boil. If the kettle boiled 30 seconds ago, boil it again. You can't make tea with water that's merely hot.
5) If you're using a teabag, gently squeeze any trapped air out of it - tea infuses in water, not in air. Give it a quick stir.
6) Pitfall number two, this is the big one, and the one everyone gets wrong. Bloody well *LEAVE IT ALONE!* Coffee drinkers completely fail to get their heads round this concept. Once you've done step 5, leave it alone to brew for *at least* 30 seconds, and ideally a couple of minutes.
7) Give it another quick stir. If you're using a bag, give it a gentle squeeze against the side of the mug and fish it out. There's no need to wring the life out of the thing, if your tea isn't strong enough it's because you've got one of the previous steps wrong.
8) Add the milk, if desired. Tea requires less milk than coffee so don't go mad, just a splash. The term "white tea" is a misnomer, it's supposed to be brown.
9) Serve, and enjoy. If giving loose leaf tea to the common people who are expecting bags, it is not considered impolite to give them a warning before they reach the bottom of the mug. (-:
January 29 2006, 01:25:02 UTC 6 years ago
Re: How to make a cup of tea
I like your style, maybe we can learn from this! LolAnonymous
6 years ago